I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.