Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.