First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
this post was so formative to me
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.