Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.