*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
You Might Also Like
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*