“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised