I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Science memes
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My blood type is b hungry.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.