I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
This was the best day of my life
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Every time my phone rings
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before