Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question