@prettysadmostly i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
@HenpeckedHal My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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@prettysadmostly 
@mcdadstuff My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
@FlyJ_ NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
@whatsJo [loses house key, starts a new life]
@NewDadNotes Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
@Landon8426 American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
@mommeh_dearest Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
@KalvinMacleod WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@antifatwa Incredible customer service.
@notalogin *stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*