My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If I ignore life will it go away?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
anyone else like Italian cereal
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.