HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
bury ourselves
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.