I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Monday Lisa
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23