satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.