You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
do what now??
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Happy weekend !
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.