There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.