Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
6: are snakes just neck?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…