The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke