*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Pot warmers of the day.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please