15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My favorite female superhero
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.