She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
when someone rings the doorbell
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Did…did a minotaur write this
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Good point.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I beg your pardon?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”