[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Camping tip: No.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.