Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
mom had nothing to worry about
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet