Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.