me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.