#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send