Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*