ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving