still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?