A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Wait, let me explain..”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.