@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

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@GrantTanaka

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

@Staggfilms

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

@flashember

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

@jwoodham

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

@ThRealBallsDeep

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

@ItsMattsLaw

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?