A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ


HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?


[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*


What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.


i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck


Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker


My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.


Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?