JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Yup
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m aging like a fine banana
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Beware…..
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.