me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
i was baptized in a car wash
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Just this preview of the story is enough
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun