To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
o shit
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful