ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.