Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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X-tra spooky blend
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?