I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”