The three genders
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social