People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Well, that didn’t work.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty