Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.