“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that