When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.