Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it