What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.