Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Some of y’all tomorrow …
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?