Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”