Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
This 4th of July, please remember…
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.