My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I wish I were this cool 😂
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?