not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Mmmm canned fish.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Awesome parenting 😂
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.