8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.