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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My teenage children choosing violence
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!