“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.